A week at the gym?

drdennie2 · Yahoo User

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORYIf you read this without laughing out loud, there is somethingwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attemptedto get into a regular workout routine.Dear Diary.For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health clubfor me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on mycollege tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a goodidea to go ahead and give it a try.I called the club and made my reservations with a personaltrainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-oldaerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progressMONDAYStarted my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but foundit was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to findBelinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. Shetook my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She wasalarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it tostanding next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyedwatching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobicsclass after my workout today. Very inspiring!Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gutwas already aching from holding it in the whole time she wasaround. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!TUESDAYI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out thedoor. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron barinto the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were alittle wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feelGREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.WEDNESDAYThe only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrushon the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Ibelieve I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK aslong as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEOin the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Hervoice is a little too perky for early in the morning and whenshe scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me onthe stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine tosimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belindatold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She saidsome other shit too.THURSDAYBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth expos e das her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. Icouldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long totie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. Whenshe was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sentLars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowingmachine -- which I promptly sank.FRIDAYI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has everhated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of mybody I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her withit. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have anytriceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand methe mother f----n' barbells or anything that weighs more than asandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a healthand nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someonesofter, like the drama coach or the choir director?SATURDAYBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Justhearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote andended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.SUNDAYI'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I cango and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray thatnext year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that isfun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.