Am I making a big deal of things or is this mental abuse???
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Crazymom
Yahoo User
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 Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Just sounds like with all that you do, he want's some attention. And thinks that if he starts a fight over the small things, atleast you are paying attention to him. Stop doing everything that ya'll do and let him see what ya'll you and the kids do and what he doesn't do. And if he's not going to help out, then he doesn't need to complain about it...but be thankful it's getting done. It is mental abuse, there isn't any reason to be treated that..he needs to realize he could have a wife that sat on her butt all day and didn't do anything, he could be worse off than he is.....just need to make him see what he has is good.... |
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sausagejockey
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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| This is most definately mental abuse. How have you put up for this so long? You don't deserve this and your children don't deserve this. Get out now, before it escalates and turns form mental to physical abuse. Have you got somewhere to stay with your children? If not go to a refuge, as this is most defianately abuse of the worst kind. Please look after yourself and your children x x |
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V
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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| He's buying you things because thats his way of "making up for it" I'm sure he realizes what hes doing.. and he feels guilty. Gifts dont mean a thing. |
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♥♥♥Mr Robinson's Mi
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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| is he going through some stress at the minute at work, maybe financial, with family? if he is this could be what is triggering this mood! talk to him, find out why he is being like this! tell him he has to treat you and the kids with more respect as this is not acceptable. if he continues give him a dose of his own medicine, if he is however under no stress and has just came to be like this and talking doesn't help, you have to decide if its worth all the disrespect. you have been together along time, maybe you both need a breather, some time alone together to talk and enjoy each others company. good luck Hun, wish you all the best♥oh and btw, the gifts dont make the way he is with you ok, neither does the fact that he "works" dont let him guilt trip you around his moods. get him to talk about it.*****EDIT****ah i see you mention he "smokes" this could be the reason for his moods! i would tell him to stop, maybe try seeking medical advice, tell him you cant live with him like this and he needs to get help. if it was me i would be saying its your family or the drugs! simple as that!***EDIT****being stressed does not make it ok at all, but being stressed wont help, i honestly think you would benefit from some time to yourselves so you both understand how each of you have alot going on which will affect your moods at home, the smoking really wont be helping even though he probably thinks it does, hope you both sort things out, i mean 10yrs together you must be doing something right, dont just give up, he obviously has good qualities. |
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maria.mcgrath68
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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| i wouldnt say that was mental abuse as such, its a power controll thing. Why not treat him with his own medizine. next time he says " i dont get fed". then dont feed him , that way he has really got something to complain about. if he says the housework isnt up to his standards, then give him the hoover and duster and tell him to do it himself that way he knows its done propperly. in all honesty, he treats you all that way because he KNOWS he can get away with it. How about you stand up for yourself and tell him that you wont be treated like that anymore. maybe he will start respecting you a bit more then? i would go on strike myself and that way he might realise of all the things he got before and apreciate you a bit more from now on. |
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alldonenow
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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| WOW sounds like your husband and my ex went to the same charm school. But maybe you should ask him when he is in a good mood if every thing is okay or if something is going on that you can help him with? I don't know if he will open up or just blame you more. Maybe you guys could talk with a counselor, or pastor or someone. Good luck with your grumpy bear, take care of you and yours |
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J
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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| its emotional abuse.If you like living with the disrespect, then stay, but personally I would have more respect for myself and would have left long ago. Dont even think about "we need to stay together for the kids"! theres no such thing! you need to stay together for your own feelings of guilt, not for any kids at all, if you want to protect your kids, set them examples: let them know what is a good relationship and what is not. |
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dawnnkev t
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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| He sounds like a miserable old git - kick him into touch! Why not go away on holiday for a few days and let the misery guts look after himself.Nice xmas presents - big deal..? |
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crazy joe
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes i would say this is a form of mental abuse !!! He sounds like a bully and i think its time you stand up for yourself . I can understand you possibly doing most of the household chores if he is at work all day but you are not his slave and if he expects his kids to muck in he should lead by example not "do as i say not what i do" . As for talking at tea time that's the only time i get with my kids now to speak about the day we have had ! |
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Earth Angel
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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| This man wants everyones mood in the house to depend on him - this can't happen because you have many individuals in the house. He obviously misses his mother & if i was you i would genuinly suggest he moves back in with her & lets you get back to laughing with your kids xxxxGood luck sista xxchoose life x |
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marcia f
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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| This is called a control freak and you have let him get by with it for 10 years so as long as he gets by with it he will get worse and worse. You need to put your foot down now and hard. As a matter of fact you need to stomp on his foot. Get some back bone girl and tell him that if he doesn't like the way things are done around the house then he can just go some where else and live. Stop walking on eggs around him. If he dishes it out then he needs to suck it up and take it. Give it right back to him. Just stop giving him his way. |
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The Mrs.
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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| You need to gain respect for him. I would be upset if I went out and busted my butt and the was told I "worked", while someone else CHOOSES to do what they do. If kids don;t do a good job, they SHOULD have to do jobs over. Most people do get in a "mood" if they don't have their morning coffee.You have stated no instances of emotional abuse, just a very unhappy man. |
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pinklady
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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| I could be reading about myself here! This is definately not normal behaviour and mental and emotional abuse is often worse than physical abuse. I put up with it for over 7 years but decided enough was enough and up and left with 4 kids behind me. I just thought, do I really want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells? Do I want my kids to be walking on eggshells, every day trying to please him and keep the peace? The answer was NO! I found a place before telling him that I was going and only told him about 3 days before I was ready to go. This may sound a bit drastic but I had tried all the talking and listening to promises that he would change but he never did. A leopard never changes its spots! I have now moved on to a better place where me and the kids are totally relaxed and I can do what I want, when I want and how I want without worrying if anything is going to upset the applecart and start another row. You have to think this through and make sure in your own mind that you have tried everything else before you make a decision to leave. It's a big step and not an easy one but you can make it and come out the other side. What I did was right for me it may not be right for you, only you know that. I wish you all the best and hope you can sort things out so you and your children can be happy. Good Luck x |
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Karen S
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Hi ya Mel!I'm so sorry you're going through this at the moment. From what you have said, it sounds very much like your husband is being mentally and emotionally abusive. I note that some people have said he sounds really grumpy and even you yourself are questioning whether he is being abusive or just plain old grumpy too. This is the problem with mental abuse - it's complex and subtle. Most people understand and abhor sexual or physical abuse, but the vast majority of people have no true understanding of what 'mental' abuse is. So much so, that the victim of it even ends up questioning what is going on.But however one ends up defining his behaviour - one thing is mostly certainly clear - it is wholly unacceptable and is making your life miserable. It is not a healthy environment, no one should be consistently on edge, worried about a spouses temprement and behaviour; no one should be subjected to fits of anger or unrealistic rule setting and demands. Not you and not your children.I think you need to think carefully about how you want to proceed. In light of what you know about him and how you feel for him and your marriage - do you want to try and improve the situation, or would you rather leave the relationship. It's certainly no easy choice and either way it's going to be difficult for a while. It may take a lot of soul searching on your part to decide what is best for you and your children.If you do decide to give some time to try to improve the situation - you need to spend some time alone with him. It maybe he has psychological problems that he isn't or has never dealt with. If this is the case, they will always show themselves eventually - sometimes by being abusive and controlling to those closest. A big red flag is the joints he is smoking. I make no moral judgement on whether that is right or wrong - but many people subconsciously self-medicate to numb their feelings. It's going to mean talking and listening to each other - explaining how awful he is making you feel, and that you want to know what is wrong or worrying him. It clearly isn't going to easy to get him to open up, or even see a counsellor together if necessary, but things have to change and that requires some work in order to do so.If, on the other hand you decide that you wish to leave, or he simply will not talk or recognise the issues which leaves you no other choice - then take appropriate steps to but do it carefully. Plan a strategy of how you are going to leave, where you are going to stay, what you are going to need, financial obligations and emotional support from friends and family. There is no reason to warn him in advance, just plan how and when you are going to do it. I would certainly investigate the legal and financial situation of splitting up - even if it's just an inital visit to the Citizen's Advice or a free first consultation with a Solicitor. Plan everything you can, and be aware of what you can do or who to speak if 'a' or 'b' happens. Then you're also prepared for various repercussions.I really hope that things work out for you and your children - please get the support you need for whatever you decide and do take care and keep safe.All the very best - I hope this at least helps a little, or gives you some comfort.Take Care Hon! |
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Oracle
Yahoo User
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:17 am Post subject: |
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| He is very grumpy, have you tried talking to him, he may have worries you know nothing about, he may feel uncomfortable sharing his troubles with you.He is a bit OTT, he sounds like a perfectionist. |
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