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What can I do about sex with my wife?

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phoster
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:33 am Post subject:

this is actually quite common. first is talking. tell her she can always say no to sex and that you want and need the intimacy even if she isnt interested in sex. in the end, believe it or not one helps the other. if you take that pressure of, she will feel less pressured and just cuddling is more likely to lead to more sex.this is all kind of a hard trap. avoiding intimacy to avoid sex leads to more distance and makes everything worse. you too can also initiate intimacy without sex, and this too will help. it shows you care and want her for just her, not just sex. my wife and i kind of ended up there at one point. if you do better at intimacy without sex it will help her show you affection without sex and that will ultimately lead to more sex because it takes that pressure off.

Smith T
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:33 am Post subject:

She is probably having an affair. Sorry.. But thats what it looks like. If she wasn't having one, she would at least be open to try new thinsg with you. But since she is cold to you, you have alot to worry about. Why is she so afraid if she's not hiding anything. You need to think about that.

mktk401
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:36 am Post subject:

Get some dirty leg on the side and stop asking the biyatch for sex at all. Start going to bars and hangin out with younger women who are willing to offer what you want in exchange for a man with a good income.She doesn't appreciate what she has so stop offering it to her. Get the {Censored!}'s name off of all of your accounts and disassociate yourself from her. If she does not know what her responsibilities are as a wife then why should you till be fulfilling yours???Ignore her and cut her off financially.

Nastia
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:37 am Post subject:

I feel the same way she does... So if you ever find out why or what to do let me know...

tommy s
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:37 am Post subject:

it may be a medical issue such as sex hurts her (there are many reasons for it) or an emottional one, both can be solved with proper care talk to your doctor and tell your wife to do the same.

sincerely
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:37 am Post subject:

Has she been totally honest with you? Was she different like (sexually active) when you were just dating and then changed after marriage and having kids? Or has she always been lukewarm towards sex? Why would she be afraid of sex? Have you had a heart to heart talk with her on what could be bothering her or how you are in bed? If you feel that you have done everything and still no changes, you both might want to consult a therapist and see what's going on. She might have had a bad or traumatic sexual experience.

JEWELS
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:40 am Post subject:

That is a problem you and your wife need to find out how to fix. I don't know her and don't know what her anxiety of sex is. It is possible that she has a problem that you and her need to get help with. Don't take everyone's advice here in yahoo cause they couldn't possibly know your wife and her intentions. She could possibly have a female problem.

bjeknows
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:40 am Post subject:

Obviously you have major relationship issues in which your wife either has sexual problems or is not interested in you. By any chance does the Sancho mean anything to you? . You may also consider that she could be having an affair or has had affairs. I would suggest going to counseling ASAP and try to work out your problems or realize that you will living your life this way forever. Life is tough, so you be tougher. Good luck and best wishes.

Emily Hobhouse
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:42 am Post subject:

YOu'll have to ask her why not. I have some sympathy with her. Perhaps it is because she is tired. This is what I would do: Do nothing obvious, but try to be more caring. Help her with clearing up after dinner - talk to her. Make sure you communicate with her - talk about things that interest her and you. Don't frighten her by make sexual advances - I was always upset because I thought that my husband was onlyinterested in sex, not me. But don't be too obvious - don't do the running the bath and candles and bubble bath. Try to build up a deep relationship with your wife's brain!And a splash of wine after dinner won't hurt, either.

SweetLuv
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:42 am Post subject:

Talk to her and ask her why? Tell her how u REALLY feel, and if she truly loves you, she will try to change something. Sounds like she's at the point where she needs viagra for women (I forget the actual name of the product). If all else fails.. go to couples therapy. If that doesnt help then your only options are divorce or alot of masturbation. But DO NOT cheat... that isnt worth destroying her love for you. A woman will never respect you or look at you the same if you cheat.

pamelaschifferle
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:44 am Post subject:

I think maybe you need to have a real good old fashion heart to heart talk with your wife firstly...Maybe there is something medically wrong with her ,that you aren't awear of.The next step is to go to a marriage counsellor....I feel as thou something is wrong that your wife is not talking about that has affected her badly.....Step gently my friend,Try and find the right time and the right words..good luck

Orleanslady
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:48 am Post subject:

I'd have to say the same thing someone else said. She needs to go see a Dr. Is it painful? There must be a reason she doesn't like it that much. I know some women loose interest after children mostly cause they are so damn busy with housework, kids crap, cooking etc...they see sex as a chore. The have a female version of Viagra out there that might help. But she should go to a dr not a sex therapist a reg doc...or obgyn.Good Luck! ps. not all women hate sex, I LOVE IT!!!

Jersey Po Boy
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject:

In answer to everyone's questions--my wife was extremely sexual with me when we first dated and continued, although a bit less vigorously, during the first 2 years of marriage. We had sex multiple times per week, sometimes per night. We pulled off the road to have sex in the car once (secluded of course), and had a very loving, passionate relationship. She says she's still attracted to me, says she's not having an affair, but says she doesn't want to have sex with "anyone." She is very attractive, very fit. I am fit and look older but as good as I did when we married. Her admitted reluctance to share affection leads me to avoid wooing her and being sweet to her. Why? Because - and she's admitted this, too - because I fear that being sweet and nice will be perceived by her as my attempt to get her to have sex. She has said "I'm afraid the only times you're nice to me is when you want to have sex." Well, if we're not having sex, aren't I supposed to be nice and sweet and romantic to get you in the mood? It's a vicious cycle and it's really taking its toll on me. Maybe I'm not as good of a friend and not as interested and loving as I was when we were younger. I just don't know. She has self-esteem issues, and thinks she is a bad mother to our kids, despite the fact that everyone tells her she is a good Mom. She is _very_ concerned about kids walking in on us, or hearing us, etc., although the problem existed before the kids were of the age where you worry about that sort of thing. I have never hit her. We have arguments, and we both shout and get angry, but generally we make up quickly, both apologize to one another, etc. In other ways we are a very happy, solid couple. There is no medical issue--we both work in the medical field and are open about these issues and there's no problem. For years I knew there was a problem but it was less intense and we both seemed to just live with it. Lately, I've become so frustrated it's starting to make me depressed and I don't know what to do. I guess we need counseling. I personally think she needs therapy for some sort of issue relating to sex and her past (although she's said she was never abused), but saying so hurts her feelings. It's just very difficult, and is a vicious cycle.

fnyunj
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 12:19 pm Post subject:

Wow. Lotta ignorant people. I'm shocked by the womens' answers in particular!Okay, #1: Be Very Careful - because this subject is probably very emotionally painful to her. It may be self-esteem. No matter how much you come on to her, she may have constructed a rationalization in her head that lets her hold on to the idea that she is unattractive. So when you discuss this idea with her, you need to be very gentle, and try very hard to not say "dumb man" things. The more she has to face this pain, the deeper she may withdraw.It could be medical - but you've got to be very careful to bring this up in a way that will not hurt her feelings. Or you will make it worse.She could be cheating. But again, a lot of women who cheat are really confused about their emotions, and you can really hurt her feelings by accusing her; even if she IS cheating. You've got your anger, and that's legitimate (because there's not a whole lot that justifies infidelity).She could have sexual issues stemming from past (or childhood) abuse. Also, very tricky to deal with. If she's always been this way, then she may have suffered severe mental abuse at the hands of a religious cult; of the unfortunately common type that teaches that sex is bad.In all of these cases; counseling is the answer. You could propose to go to counseling to work on your own self-esteem issues, (or whatever), and get her to go with, and her issues will come out, eventually. (give it at least a year).I feel for you - when she does show affection, she's afraid you're going to want sex. . . (because you're on a freaking hair-trigger, because you never get it! - and YOU end up being the one feeling guilty for being "over-sexed" - not the case: You're starved for intimacy. Not sex. When you need sex, you've always got Rosie.) - so, keep this in mind when she DOES reach out to you, try very hard to not prove her suspicions right, and stick to just basic touching. Try to "unload" yourself every day, in private, to reduce your urges.Also - no matter how busy you are, no matter what else is going on, commit to spending AT LEAST 10 minutes with her EVERY DAY. Show HER affection, without expecting sex. Talk to her. Ask her about her day. Even if she wants to babble about trivial mundanities - LISTEN to her, and talk with her. Smile at her. Tell her jokes. Tell her how much you love her. This is what she's craving. When she doesn't get this from you, whether you're too busy, or mad, even if you have a "legitimate" excuse, she is craving this daily attention. She's probably ashamed to ask for it. It is a childish need, but it's a need, and you can choose to fulfill it, or you can continue to deny her, and watch her whither, emotionally. This one is VERY hard to understand. But some women just NEED this. Some men deny their partners this for various reasons (usually out of a desire to be a good husband, and work hard to provide for the family - but provision is about much more than just money!)For me - this daily attention ritual has really made a huge difference. For a long time, I was angry at her for even asking this, because I am too damn busy trying to earn enough money to support her, and go to school, and spend time with the kids. This anger of mine, directed at her, wreaked untold havok. (no, I'm not a hitter, or a shouter. I'm a freezer-outter). So I finally tried it; paying attention to her - every day. And it has worked wonders. It has made a huge difference. We have a long way to go, and she has a LOT of damage to un-do. (repeated infidelity, shop-a-holism, her own anger-management issues, including verbal abuse of me and our children). But for the first time in 15 years, we're finally moving in the right direction.

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