Couple of my fave jokes (oldies but goodies)?

joey m · Yahoo User

A bloke goes to his local supermarket. Pushing hiscart down the aisle, he notices an attractive womantrying to catch his eye and as soon as he looks, she waves at him. "Hello", she says!He's rather taken aback because he can't place wherehe knows her from but yet she does look familiar.Rather baffled he asks, "Do you know me?"To which she excitedly replies, "You're the father ofone of my kids."Now reeling, his mind travels back to the only time hehad ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he gasps, "My God, are you the stripper from my friend'sbachelor party that I shagged on the pool table withall my mates watching while your partner whipped myarse with wet celery?"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm yourson's teacher."It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?''Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what to give you'. He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.'She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'