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Never received a wedding gift from brother-in-law...?

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jones
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject: Never received a wedding gift from brother-in-law...?

I KNOW that wedding presents aren't MANDATORY, but I have a complaint. My husband and I had our wedding a few months ago and we never got anything from his one brother (he has two)...not even a card. I'm ticked off about it because: 1. It's his brother.2. We provided food (and beverages) for him, his wife, and their four kids.3. We gave them a washer about a month before our wedding for nothing.4. My husband has treated their four kids (that actually aren't even his brother's children) very, very well for birthdays and Christmas over the years (even though my husband is never given presents from his brother's family)I don't want to hold a grudge against his brother's family, but I can't help but to feel slighted. I can't imagine not gifting my sister for her wedding (especially not even a card!) I took into consideration that the card may have gotten misplaced...but it's been months now...If this was you, how would you feel??**Please don't respond if you feel the need to say that "wedding gifts aren't mandatory/expected".....or that I'm being greedy....OZZIEGAL - I didn't say that I wanted people to agree...I just wanted to know how everyone else would feel. If you would feel happy about a situation like this, then just say that. I don't want to be criticized...but if that is where you were going with your answer, then I'm glad that you didn't respond.

Mrs. Nguyen in 29 days
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject:

If you can't change what has already happened, you need to let it go. Nothing is worse on relationships (family, friends, marriage, etc) than holding on to past things that cannot be changed now. Just know you are the bigger person because you WOULD have given them a gift if the tables were turned, and move on. Perhaps they are having financial difficulties that they'd rather not share with you guys at this moment...

Julie M
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject:

I would feel miffed as well...It seems your brother in law AND his family like to have things given to them and not return the gesture in kind, at LEAST a nice thank-you or congratulations card...But his wife is there and normally the women in relationships will remember these things, could SHE at least send a nice card or something?

alikonda
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject:

I might be a little annoyed given how generous you've been, but I'd keep reminding myself that I was just glad to have him and his family present for our big day. I certainly wouldn't say or do anything about it because it's just one of those situations that needs to be forgotten about. (Nothing good could come from focusing on it / bringing it up to family.)Once you've finished sending out the thank-you cards to everyone who came/gave a gift, don't even think about it and focus on enjoying your marriage. =) Congrats!

Soon 2 Be Mrs. Sholan
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject:

I also would feel a little like "what the hell". Not because of the gift, but just the fact. And not even a card! Thats strange. I dont even treally know what to say for what the reason would be. Do they normally buy gifts for other holidays and stuff? I could understand if they didnt come to the wedding, so they obviously couldnt bring a gift, but to come and not even bring a card or anyhting, I too would be a little offended.

peaches6
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject:

Maybe he was too embarrassed to give a card because he didn't have money to put in it. He could have many reasons. . . who knows. I would put it behind me and move on. Maybe he'll make up for it in the future. Good Luck!

bountifiles
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject:

I would approach him with a concern that it was stolen.

abfabmom1
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject:

If it was me, I'd feel that their family obviously has financial problems (otherwise you wouldn't have had to buy them a washer), and be glad that they were able to come and celebrate with me.I would also know that they love me, and would have loved to get me something, had their finances allowed, and that they're probably extremely embarrassed that they couldn't give you something to commemorate the occasion.

riversconfluence
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject:

Some people are just that way, they will bleed someone of every penny, and find excuses how it is not their fault. Here is one: I'm family, I am entitled to go to the wedding, and etiquette says I do not have to take a present.In the real world, no one is entitled to anything except what is stated in the constitution, and yes, they should have brought something, even something inexpensive. I would have thought, gee, it figures, that is exactly what he usually does, but I had to invite him, it's his brother. But, I do not ever have to do another thing for BIL if I do not want to. The rule is, when you give a present, you do so with your heart, you do not have to get one back, it is called generosity. But it is good etiquette to acknowledge a gift, and nice to give one back.

Reducto
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject:

What is a wedding for? Getting married or getting gifts?I cant believe you would be so concerned over this. Do you know his financial situation? Maybe hes one step away from bankruptcy. What does your husband think of how you feel?Myself, i wouldnt have even given it a second thought.This reminds me of years ago when i was a teenager. My parents were having a bit of money troubles over the years. Not flat broke but then again they had to watch every dollar they spent. Out of the blue my aunt calls wanting to know why they didnt get her kid a birthday present. Called a second time asking again a few days later saying it was rude they didnt get her son a present. That will stick in my mind forever. Its always about wanting to get something for free isnt it?

smallbizperson
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject:

Formal etiquette suggests wedding gifts be given before or shortly after a wedding, but gifts may be sent within a year of the event.That said, there could be a gazillion reasons you haven't gotten anything from his brother's family--your sister-in-law may be expecting her husband, the brother, to take care of it since it's his blood family. He may be expecting HER to deal with it because some guys are clueless about what is appropriate. If you gave them a washer, that suggests money is tight for them. (Perhaps in their eyes, no gift is better than a gift that's not nice enough. It leaves the door open should their finances improve.) You mention that the brother's family hasn't given gifts in the past, so expecting something this one (special) time seems a little optimistic. Yes, your feelings of being slighted are valid.Now, in the interest of family harmony, let it go.You married a man you love, so presumably you got the best gift of all. Continue to be kind to them, you are all going to be related a very long time. Be grateful that you are in a position to be able to give gifts to your families. And be grateful you aren't in the brother's immediate family--chances are his wife and his step-kids aren't getting gifts either, isn't that sad?Best wishes for a long and happy marriage. Hope you can find a way to deal with all your new relations so that you and they can be happy. All you can really control is yourself, your own attitude and your own behavior.

Erica
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject:

Well, you're right, they're not mandatory, but come on. That's ridiculous. Unless his family is really bad off, money-wise, I guess they're just rude. The worse thing? You can't really say anything about it without looking like a spoiled, ungrateful person. I guess you kow how much your brother in law cares about you and your hsband. It's pretty ridiculous, though. And I'd be pretty annoyed too. Oh well, maybe you got the 'good' brother?

Katie T
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject:

I was wondering the other day how often cards and gifts get stolen at weddings and how you would ever know? The guests are going to be mad because they never received a thank you card, and the couple might or might not realize they never got a gift. So that's not really an answer but i'm trying to play devil's advocate. I can understand being a little upset since it sounds like you've been pretty supportive of them, but like it's been said before - you can't change any of it now. Good luck though!

Ms. X
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:08 pm Post subject:

It is not or should not be the bride's concern that someone did or did not give a gift. Weddings are not about getting quid pro quo's for food and beverages for guests, nor past gifts. If you think their family is taking advantage of your generosity, you and your husband should stop giving them gifts, or only give gifts to the children. But that's a separate issue from the lack of a wedding gift.

Skatin'
Yahoo User

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject:

One less thank you note you have to write! I'd think twice about going out of my way for them in the future, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

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