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Sdf A Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:23 pm Post subject: What do you think of my first chapter? |
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| My Story? The first chapter? What do you think?What do you think of my 1st chapter?What do you think of this? Honest feedback only.?Chapter OneTammy Daniels scurried around her bedroom gathering everything she would need for her session tonight. Her best and only friend, Casey Micheals was coming over to help her work the Ouija board. Tonight would be the night she finally contacted a spirit.In vain Tammy had tried to communicate with a spirit by ouijaing on her own. Finally, It was accepted that it took at least to people to Ouija. Sitting down on the floor, Tammy pulled herself up to the very edge of the bed, putting her hand underneath the skirt of the comforter, she groped for the cedar chest that she kept all of her magical materials in. Her hand found it a few moments later. After dragging the heavy chest out from under the bed, she flipped open the metal latches revealing the contents within. Most of the items had been gifts from her mom’s mother, Grandma Leerid.All though Tammy’s mother, Matilda Daniels, didn’t want anything to do with witchcraft, Ms. Daniels mother was a fervent practitioner and a conqueror of the Craft.Tammy’s eyes scanned over the everything on the shelves inside the cedar chest. Searching over tarot cards wrapped in double burnt, black, silk, an array of small candles colored red, white, green, and black, tiny jars of mugwort, sage, myrrh, and lavender, numerous viles of various anointing oils, her eyes finally met what she had been looking for. Propped up against the right end of the chest, she found her Ouija board. Taking the board out, Tammy ran her hands over the rough surface of it. Also a gift from her grandmother, this was by far her favorite tool when it came to performing the role of a medium. Tammy purred with delight as she examined the board. It was made from Arabian wormwood and had each letter expertly carved out of the surface. The letters were arranged in a circle entrapping two words in the center: yes and no. The circles of letters were above to rows of smoothly chiseled out numbers. Each of the four corners was elaborately decorated with symbols representing all four of the major elements. She pushed herself up off of the floor and placed the board and planchette on a fold out table set in the center of the room. After scooting two chairs parallel to each other beneath the table, she went back to the chest and selected all of the black and white candles. As she was setting them up in a wide circle on the floor, she took notice of the weather outside. Wind wailed through the trees and the soft pitter patter of rain became a steady drumming on the roof. Tammy was glad that the small storm was coming through; it would definitely set the mood and give tonight the right atmosphere. A loud knock at the front door interrupted her thoughts. Dropping the rest of the candles on the bed, she walked down the stairs and jogged through the kitchen to the living room. The knocking became more persistent against the oaken door. “I’m coming!” She shouted.Quickening her pace, she strode up to the front door, flung it open, and in stepped Casey wringing wet.“Geez, what took you so long?”“I was just getting things ready.” Tammy replied.“Well, I can help you set up the room at least, I know a little about this Ouija stuff.” Casey said.Turning, Tammy led Casey through the kitchen and back up the stairs, lingering as they went, flipping off all the light switches.“Spirits like the dark,” Her grandmother used to tell her, “The light hurts them. Light to them, is like fire to us. Even for the good ones.”“So where’s your mom at?” Casey questioned.“They went out to dinner. It’s their 19th anniversary. They won’t be back for a while. Why?”“I was just wondering. I know your mom is like a super Christian. She’d just flip if she knew this was happening in her house.”Casey chuckled imagining the look on Ms. Daniels face if she came home to this “demonic travesty.”Upon entering the room, Casey picked the candles up off the bed and completed the circle around the table on the floor. Tammy sprinkled blessed salt at the threshold of the door while saying a protection blessing. Once they were both inside the circle of candles, they each lit a match setting all the wicks aflame, and they took their seats at the table.“Oh, I almost forgot.” Casey slid off her silver bracelet and placed it on the edge of the table.“What’s that for?” Tammy inquired.“It’s for protection from evil spirits; it has the same purpose as the blessed salt does. We need all the protection we can get. With the board, almost anyone came come through….or anything. You never know if a contacted entity is good or bad. We must practice caution.”“Wait a minute,” Tammy said “I thought that you only knew ‘a little’ about this ‘Ouija stuff.’”Casey shrugged her shoulders and grinned. “Okay, more than a little.”Placing both hands on the planchette, they forced themselves to relax. In a few short moments the tension in their arms fled. The session was ready to begin.35 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer. Additional Details34 minutes agoIt's a complex plot, but it starts out with these girls asking a demon to mainfest itself and the demon inhabits the house and won't leave. The demon leads here places in the night, etc. You get the idea. Is it any good? BTW I'm 15. Please be honest. Thank you!4 hours ago - 3 days left to answer. Additional Details4 hours agoI'm not looking for comments on my grammer or usage of commas, I just want opinions of the overall chapter. Is it gripping? |
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Anna L Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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| cool. too bAD i read the first 2 sentences (: |
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Kate Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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| ughhh. i would give you an answer. but its too long for m eto read. i have a short attention span. |
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LinkTheWorld Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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| First off let me start by saying it is better than anything I could ever write.Now that we have that out of the way, I thought you described things WAY too much, I kept yelling..."GET TO THE POINT" I dont need 50 million details about each little tiny thing.I know you dont want any comments on your grammer, but please fix the "to" to "two" somewhere near the start of your chapter. That is the only thing that I feel I HAVE to mention.I think overall it is pretty good though, I will be looking for the book in stores soon! |
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pamela t Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Its pretty good so far. I hope to read more. Detail is only necessary to describe something new in the book for the first chapter, you are giving a great amount to describe the character and future characters. You don't want to do that so much in climactic situations. You may want to describe later what charactors look like and only the charactors that matter. Good luck |
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sunrose_1999 Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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| You have a great mind. If you want to be a writer...you should keep it up. I didn't like the subject but you tell a great story. |
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J Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm not exactly an avid reader, but it seems pretty similar to a young adult novel. I thought it was acceptable even if you were an adult and written this. You have a bright future regardless, and write not much different than I would at 22, although I am a scientist not a writer. Casey shrugged her shoulders and grinned.“Okay, more than a little.”“I was just wondering. I know your mom is like a super Christian. She’d just flip if she knew this was happening in her house.”Casey chuckled imagining the look on Ms. Daniels face if she came home to this “demonic travesty.”^^^These are pretty advanced!Your dialog is exponentially better than your imagery at the beginning, but only because I dislike descriptions. I believed they are better interspersed with dialogue.Good luck! |
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bipolar princess Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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| overall its pretty interesting. great job and nice plot |
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stephanie_franco28 Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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| ok i know u said no comment on grammar but it doesn't read well w/o proper sentence structure, and poor spelling. now as to whether or not its gripping the honest answer is no. there is such a thing as being to descriptive, you describe everything so much that you leave no room for the reader to imagine, the plot sounds like it could be interesting but you need to grab the reader from the first line. maybe "chills ran down as Tammy scurried around the room, she contemplated her plans for the evening" idk just something more dramatic also the use of first and last name seems over the top. keep working on it, don't give up w/ work it can be great. |
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vbasic Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked it. I think though the dialog between the two girls needs to start earlier. Or maybe have Tammy talk to a pet like a cat right after paragraph one."Kitty I know this looks silly tried to communicate with a spirit by ouijaing. But tonight with my friend Casey, we will do it."Sitting down on the floor with Kitty looking on...Narration I think needs to be broken up with either dialog or action. So some of the things you write about like Grandma Leerid and Tammy's mother should be elements of discussion between the two girls. Since you do dialog well, this would bring more interest early on. Remember, if you don't have your audience by Page 1 Paragraph 1 you might lose them.Also, don't tell us the whole story at the beginning. You write: "Tonight would be the night she finally contacted a spirit."Instead wouldn't it be better if she said: "Tonight, she is convinced would be the night she finally contacted a spirit"Also, remember it's the characters that are important as well as the plot and setting.Otherwise, I think you have an interesting writing style and this should be a good story. |
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...and yet? Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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| It's a story that I'd like to read and it makes me want to know what happens next. An editor would ask you to turn about 3 paragraphs into one. Spend a few hours condensing it down into something that keeps moving. Finding the chest and taking the Ouija board out could be one beautifully illustrated sentence. Mention the ambiance of the storm while setting up, rather than devoting another paragraph to it. You've left the reader wondering what's so protective about a silver bracelet. I'd have Casey enter the room while you're setting up, don't waste words on things that aren't moving the story forward. You mentioned twice that Ms Daniels wouldn't approve, once is enough. Really well done, I wouldn't have been able to write something so imaginative at 15. |
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Joshua Karl M Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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| you actually didn't described the person... |
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→s q u i s h y← Yahoo User
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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this is actually pretty goodvery good, actuallysounds like a chapter out of an actual bookthe way everything was presented, and the upcoming plot sounds soooo interesting and proffessionalkeep up the good workid like to pick up this story in the library someday  |
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