poll: will you give me a star after you read these jokes :D

insert.name.here · Yahoo User

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."She sleepily replied,"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****."--------------------------------------...A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."--------------------------------------...A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book."I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book."Do you live around here?" she asked."Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"--------------------------------------...This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He **** my pants too".--------------------------------------...A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?""She's standing here next to me."The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"--------------------------------------...A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"--------------------------------------...An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest **** I've ever seen."--------------------------------------...A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'--------------------------------------...One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"--------------------------------------...The difference between having Guts and having Balls...Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next."---------------------------------------------...why do women have boobs?so men have something to look at while your talking to them Very Happy

------------------------------------------....Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.""Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!""Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"-------------------------------....A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"-------------------------------------...There were once 3 blondes stranded on a deserted island, and could not think of a way to get off it. One of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out. "I will grant you each a wish," he said. "Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try.""I want to be the world's best swimmer," one said, "so I can swim off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away. "I want to be a bird," one said, and flew away immediately. The third and last blonde thought for a while. "I want to be a man."She was instantly transformed into a man, and she walked over the bridge to the mainland.----------------------------....A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. "I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."-------------------------------...... blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?""Because that's a microwave," he replied.-----------------------.......A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer, because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with one of her friends. Her friend suggested, "There may be a way of selling that car, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.""Right," replied her friend, "here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on her friend's advice. About one month after that, her friend saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?""No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."-------------------------------------...A red-head, a brunette and a blonde perform a Post Office robbery. They are on the run from the police and they have to ditch their car and go cross country. They are all getting tired and happen across an old farm with a huge barn. Sneaking inside the barn, they see three old flour sacks. They all hide in separate sacks. The police enter the barn and upon seeing the sacks, kick the first one containing the redhead. The redhead says "Woof!". "Nothing in here but a dog sarge" says the constable. "We'd better move on". They kick the sack containing the brunette. "Miaow!" she says. "Nothing in here but a cat sarge. Better move on". They kick the sack containing the blonde and the blonde says "Potatoes!"------------------------------...A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" thats all for now Very Happy

now give me a star!! please and thank you Very Happy